Bursting Eardrums

He’s opposite me again today (28 May) and he’s obviously had some fresh clothes donated to him. Jesus after ten minutes he sitting back and ripping nine fucks out of a baguette, an Orang Utan would eat with greater etiquette. Oh God, how am I gonna get any work done today, he’s now cleaning bits of crust from his tooth gaps with his fingers, then he starts drilling his ears, quite incredible! He just won’t stop fuckin fidgeting, the whole desk is shaking, if I could just strangle him I’m sure people would clap and cheer, I would be the local hero, I can see the front page of The Observer: “Romanian gypsy & psychopath murdered by local hero vigilante.” The baguette by the way is a whole Sainsbury’s baguette – no filling – just baguette – oh just seen the yellow label – must be from yesterday, makes sense – and its reduced to 11p – and why 11p? Why not 10p or 15p? Now he’s started on his ear again. Please, please, please eardrum, please burst – ok even with my earplugs firmly wedged in, listening to the Doves blasting their tracks from “The Last Broadcast” – I can hear the sucking noises he’s making - in my fantasy his spleen is ripped out and shoved down his gullet. Surely his eardrums can’t take this level of abuse, when will they bleed?

Obviously there is no one out there that’s gonna believe this but he has just pulled out a tiny plastic bottle and has begun blowing bubbles – Jesus Fucking Christ! – Oh by the way the baguette has almost been devoured right down to the last few crumbs, a few specs have landed on my laptop, but to be honest, I’m beyond caring. I am close to throwing his face onto the floor and stamping on it, then ramming a cattle prod through his exposed eardrum.

30 minutes have now elapsed and he’s now ripping out the insides of a different loaf, a seeded bloomer if I’m not mistaken. I’m also pretty sure he’s not actually chewing anything – he’s just shoving bread into his mouth like one of those mincer type things that turns chunks of meat into mince meat – if only he could shove his head into one.

Another day of hopeless distractions.