Some moron has decided to cut back on library opening times, without consulting me, and this left me in a predicament. Outside (11 May) in the heat I sit on a bench like a desperate alcoholic waiting for opening time, you would think I have enough time for a prawn sandwich.
One bite in and a decrepit old man in his 90s hobbles over and parks his arse next to mine and proceeds to scratch his chest. The scratching I can cope with, it’s the urine stench coming from his colostomy bag tucked inside his trousers I find hard.
With 8 minutes to go Josef arrives and to my disgust makes a beeline for me. Still reeling from the urine stench I sit there with half a prawn sandwich with one end bitten off praying that Josef internally combusts. He smiles, providing evidence that he has recently had another tooth booted in. He then accurately observes that I am eating a sandwich and I would have given him full marks if he had realised that the sight of him was making me thoroughly sick. This cretin wants to be my friend and I want to commit cold-bloodied murder. He then gives me an update on the heatwave in Romania, the typhoon in Japan and a recent operation on a friend in Golders Green. I ask if he has plans of returning to Bucharest, I pray he would say yes, later that day and never to return, but he responds by saying that there were no benefits and you have to get a job in Romania to survive, no fuck Josef!
With 2 minutes to go the masses have arrived and have hovered around the sliding doors. Josef asks if I’m going into the library, I just want to castrate him. The old man, suddenly alert begins to rise, and in the process releases an alarming defecating stench.
Left behind by my 2 new friends, I look at the half-eaten prawn sandwich not once but twice and decide that there is only one place for it and lob it into an already over-stuffed bin. Reluctantly I follow the odd couple in.
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